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"If one person is trying, and the other person isn't, you start feeling neglected." -Jon Gosselin
We've been together for a while now. Definitely my longest relationship, and everything moved very fast. We met each other, and it was almost instant when we moved in together. That was the first mistake. Moving in with him was not a good idea, I had my doubts and insecurities. I let my emotions get the best of me, and decided to move in with him anyways. Not long after the move, problems started to surface. By then it was too late already. So I compromised and continued on. What about now? What about all the things that happened in between? Honestly, I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I feel like I just have a sleeping buddy every night. We don't do what normal boyfriend and girlfriends do, or is this how it's like when you are in a relationship and living together? I feel like I try too hard to gain your love and attention, and a gut feeling tells me I shouldn't have to try. I should get the attention and love that I deserve because I deserve it. I feel so neglected and put to the side. I've been thinking a lot lately, that maybe it's just time to end things. I'm moving out soon, so maybe it's better. I am confused. Should I be commited to you after I move out? Or should I just move out and end things? Would it be better? How would I feel if I ended it now? How would I feel if I ended it after? Would we still be able to talk? Would we still be able to be in a relationship? I have my regrets, but right now I just have to be selfish and do good for myself. Do what I need to do to make myself happy.
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| You called me dumb. It ticked me off. You said I failed because I'm lazy. I failed because it's hard, and you putting me down does not help. You're suppose to be my support system, the person I run to when I'm feeling blue. All you've been doing is putting me down. I try, I really do. I study, and I read. I try very hard. You're never home, how will you know if I'm studying or not. Can't you see it's hard? It's really hard. I cry because it's hard. Now I cry because you think I'm dumb. The more you put me down, the more I feel like I can't do it. Where is the encouragement? I know that I'm suppose to pull myself together, and pull myself up, but you being the one person I turn to for most of my problems, should have done better. I wake up to you putting me down, you put me down when I'm trying to sleep. You put me down in front of your friends, and you put me down when we're alone. I'm so sick of being treated this way. Perhaps I am dumb..because I'm still with you, therefore I am dumb.
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| You are that itch that shouldn't be scratched. I scratched it once, and I scratched it again, but that very last scratch was the last scratch. No matter how much I want to scratch, I will not scratch. That very last scratch, showed me why I shouldn't have scratched. That scratch now is a scar, a scar that will not go away. One that will haunt me day and night, when I'm awake and when I'm asleep. It's there, it happened.
I pretended it was gone, but it's there alright.
It's there.
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| My thoughts are filled with only you. I have a massive headache because of you. My feelings are driving me crazy. I only spent a couple of hours with you, but I'm going crazy..I can't do anything. I can only do the right thing, which is to do nothing. No matter how fast my heart races while I'm around you, or how much my head hurts thinking about those couple of hours of only you, NOTHING. I will do nothing about it because it's the right thing.
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| I blame the milk tea i had earlier. I have work tomorrow morning too, and I work all day! My boyfriend is sleeping like a rock. NOTHING is going to wake him up. Since I was awake, I was thinking a lot about the few months of college. When I thought of the first few months, I thought of the parties, the alcohol, the studying, the homework, the drama, and of course, the boys. TWO boys in particular stuck out. As a result of those two boys, well not BOYs, but GUYs, I all of a sudden really want to talk to them and remember conversations we've had. Remembering the first few moments I spent with them, the first kiss, certain conversations we've had, and of course, the ending! Revisiting these moments make me feel some what guilty, but then again, why should I feel bad? It's not like I'm doing anything, I'm just reminiscing, being nostalgic. I don't regret meeting them at all. I just wished that things turned out differently, not as in having a fairytale happily ever after, but on a more friendship based happily ever after. Well, I think one of them I won't be able to recover, because he's in a relationship now and our friendship was not that deep, but the other one...I think I could do something about it. However, if I try and it doesn't work, then it's not my fault. At least I tried. Now I think I'm going to sleep. Good night, or should I say good morning?! by the way. It's been a VERY long time since I have written anything in here, or even setting "foot" into this website. I think it's time I come back :) | | |
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